On Seeing the Person you Love, Love Someone Else

When she tells you about her for the first time, she will be drunk.

Don’t react.

Keep a smile in your voice and on your face.

Use short, concise sentences, like, “It’s all good”, or , “I wish you happiness.”

Don’t say much else.

Your voice will show you are running out of air.

The anvil she dropped on your chest just landed.

You haven’t gotten good at breathing around it yet.

Realize that she doesn’t love you. She never did.

Practice saying “it didn’t work out”

and “we broke up”

until you can say the words casually, without tears.

The first time someone asks you about her,

You will feel tears form.

Make sure to cough,

let the tears be explained away by allergies.

Make yourself as busy as possible.

Wake up at five am every day, so you can go to the gym before work.

After work, go to the gym again.

Volunteer for everything, say yes to every request.

Spend hours writing, late into the night.

You know how to do this.

You’ve gotten good at being used and discarded.

You need to fill every second of every day with as much activity as possible.

The goal here is exhaustion.

The long, endless nights in a dark, quiet house are the worst.

Avoid these at all costs.

That’s when the tapes in your mind, the ones you have had since childhood, will play.

On repeat.

They will bring your deepest, darkest insecurities to you.

They will belittle you.

Demean you.

They will try to make you believe you are worthless.

When you realize they are now playing in her voice,

it will crush you.

Begin a new practice of having a drink before bed.

Just one.

Drown her voice with bourbon.

The goal here is oblivion.

The first time you see a picture of them on Facebook,

you will be physically ill.

As you wretch over the toilet bowl, your stomach will turn itself inside out.

You will realize then that in the past week you have eaten exactly

five grapes

and two saltine crackers.

That’s why you can’t get sick.

Your stomach is like the rest of you.

It can’t tell when there is nothing left.

Know through all of this, that this is not your fault.

You love someone who doesn’t love you back.

She doesn’t love you.

She never did.

She never will.

 

Liar

It comes to me in dreams,

All the things I should have said to you.

Like you are an asshat

or, how can you lie so easily?

Or, call me if you change your mind,

or, please, don’t go.

I want you to know I don’t regret a second.

I will keep my memories safe,

tucked away in a corner, and one day,

when I need them

I will take them out, and like any good writer, edit them.

I will keep the time you told me

Anywhere I am is home,

and delete the fact that you were lying.

I will keep the fun we had singing bad music,

and delete the fact that you were lying.

I will keep the time you told me you weren’t going anywhere,

and delete the fact that you were lying

And I’m crying while I write this,

but I will delete my tears too.

Because you don’t deserve them.

Because they don’t matter to you.

when you said they did, you were lying.

I know the reasons you left me.

It’s not about my past,

It’s not about my looks.

It’s about honesty.

It’s about honest, real love, and that terrifies you.

My real-ness and my honesty scared the Hell out of you

and why wouldn’t it?

You have worked so long to hide the real you.

How could you possibly be prepared

For something real to touch your soul?

The last time I saw you,

I knew I would never see you again.

But you were still playing your game, so I played along.

I watched you pull a steady stream of fish from the lake,

so proud of each catch.

I imagined being that fish,

My mouth ripped open by your hook,

saying I’m so sorry.

I’ll try harder to breathe,

out of water,

for you.

 

 

Anchors, ERs , and A Heartfelt Thank You

Sometimes, I can get way too far in my head. Little, everyday things start to bother me, bigger things that I usually can overcome become too much. I feel like I am treading water. I get caught up in the fast pace my life has taken the past two years, and start to feel really alone. Without anchor. It can be a lonely place, and it can swallow you. But sometimes? Something beautiful happens and I see clearly once again how incredibly blessed I am, and I can feel nothing but gratitude.

Last night my son Sam had a medical emergency. It wasn’t life threatening, but it was scary to see, and for him it was completely terrifying. I took him to the Emergency Room, fighting back a panic attack the whole way, because I needed to be calm for him. Once we were there and checked in I went on Facebook to distract myself from panic. I posted a brief, vague message about where we were and requesting positive thoughts. I pretty much forgot about posting as soon as I did it. Then, magic happened.

About ten minutes after my post, Sam looked at me in between the steady stream of doctors and nurses and said”Hey mom! Look at Facebook! People are commenting on your post!” As soon as I picked up my phone, it lit up. I was receiving test messages back to back. I received  phone calls, Facebook messages, and yes, responses to my post.

Within an hour, a stream of people gathered with us. My friends pretty much took over the ER, arriving sporadically, some armed with sodas, some coffee, all with love and concern. With tears in my eyes I looked around at all of these amazing, beautiful people who had left their homes, their families, their lives, because they were concerned for us. I was still scared and worried, but at that moment I realized clearly that I am not alone. Sam and I have people who love us. Really, truly love us, not for what we can do for them, not for what they can get in return, just genuine, honest, real love. I have never been more grateful, and more thankful in my entire life.

We were in the ER until around 1 in the morning. We finally left, armed with instructions, wrapped in our love bubble of friends. Today Sam is doing much better, I am exhausted, and relieved, and absolutely blown away by the amazing people in my life. Literally everyone who cares about me, who cares about my son, has contacted me in some way. That is so amazing, and I want to offer the most heartfelt thank you possible to every single one of you. You all mean more to me than you will ever know.